THE LAST DRAGON

MOVIE SCRIPT PULLED FROM THE FILM

"may be a few errors... please excuse!"

(LEROY IS PRACTICING HIS TRAINING HIN HIS MASTER'S DOJO WHILE HIS MS MASTER SHOOT'S COLORED ARROWS AT HIM AS HE CHOPS THEM IN MID AIR BY HAND. HE THEN CATCHES THE LAST ARROW. )

MASTER

How did you know... ...that was the blue one? -

 

LEROY

I do not know, Master.

 

MASTER

You do not know?

 

LEROY

No. I humbly apologize for my ignorance, Master.

I will do anything to prove my worthiness!

MASTER

You have been to the movies again, I see.

Full of disciples falling to their knees at the slightest hint of their master's displeasure. Leroy,

this is not a punishment.

It is a celebration!

You have touched the final level.

You knew without knowing!

We have finished our journey together.

 

LEROY

But, Master... ...the final level.

The glow!

You always said...

MASTER

That when you reached the final level...

you would know it by the appearance of a sublime glow...

 

all over your body.

 

Come, Leroy. Get up.

What you seek is not written on the floor.

The final level is a return to the beginning.

This is the Last Dragon.

A cycle is complete...

and now there is a new emptiness to be filled.

a new journey which you must make alone.

 

LEROY

I am confused.

 

MASTER

Good.

Confusion is a part of life, as are vengeance, fear and love.

All facets must be embraced

for then, and only then

will you break through the wall of mystery to the glow.

 

LEROY

Master, perhaps with more time to train.

Master, I need more time.

MASTER

I am no longer your master!

Leroy

if it is a master you must have...

there is an old sage called Sum Dum Goy.

He is said to be the wisest man in the universe.

Go, find him.

He is here in New York.

 

Take this.

It was Bruce Lee's.

(HE PULLS A GOLDEN EMULET OUT OF A DRAWER AND GIVE'S IT TO LEROY) 

When you find the master who will take you to the final level...

give it to him.

Go now, my son, on your journey.

Go.

 

(LEROY HEADS OUT TO SEEK THE NEW MASTER WITH GOLDEN EMULET IN HIS HAND)

_____________

(LATER INSIDE A MOVIE THEATER )

COOLY DEALER

Joints and bags! Joints and bags!

(WALKING INTO A PACKED THEATER WHERE LEROY AND PATRONS ARE SEEN ENJOYING A SCREENING OF BRUCE LEE'S MOVIE - ENTER THE DRAGON.)

 

RANDOM THEATER PATRON 1

Put his butt on the chuck wagon and send his ass to the dogs, man!

 

RANDOM THEATER PATRON 2

- Shuffle on him, Bruce!

 

RANDOM THEATER PATRON 3

- Sting him!

RASTA MAN

That's that, man, and there ain't no comin' back!

 

(SHO'NUFF'S CREW KICKS OPEN THE THEATER DOORS AND MARCH INTO FORMATION WITH SHO'NUFF BEING THE LAST MOFO TO STEP THROUGH THE DOOR.)

SHO'NUFF

Am I the meanest?

(GROUP SHOUTS)- Sho'nuff!

 

Am I the prettiest?

 

(GROUP SHOUTS)- Sho'nuff!

 

Am I the baddest mo-fo lowdown around this town?

 

(GROUP SHOUTS)- Sho'nuff!

- Well, who am I?

 

(GROUP SHOUTS)- Sho'nuff!

- Who am I?

 

(GROUP SHOUTS)- Sho'nuff!

 

I can't hear you!

 

(GROUP SHOUTS)- Sho'nuff!

 

SHO'NUFF

The Shogun of Harlem!

Crunch, seats.

CRUNCH

This is Sho's row. Move it. I said beat it!

 

THEATER KID

I know who can beat you! 

SHO'NUFF

Who said that? Beast, find who said that! -

BEAST
I got him, Sho. I got him. I got him, Sho. Here you go, Sho.

Here's the roach that said it!

 

SHO'NUFF

Who's badder than the Shogun?

 

THEATER KID

Bruce Leroy, that's who!

 

SHO'NUFF

Bruce Leroy? Bruce Leroy?

 

BEAST

That's the only guy that stands between Sho and total supremacy.

 

SHO'NUFF

Well, well, well. If it ain't the mysterious...

...the illusive Leroy Green.

 

I've been waitin' a long time for this, Leroy.

I am sick of hearing these bullshit superman stories...

...about the "wahsa" legendary... ...Bruce Leroy catchin' bullets with his teeth.

Catches bullets with his teeth?

Nigga, please!

 

LEROY

The secret awaits eyes unclouded by ambition.

SHO'NUFF

What?

 

LEROY

Those who are bound by desire see only that which can be held in their hands.

 

SHO'NUFF

See, now it is mumbo-jumbo like that...

and skinny lizards like you, thinkin' they're the Last Dragon that gives kung fu a bad name.

 

Get up, Leroy. I got something real for your ass in these hands.

We gonna settle this once and for all 'cause I am back.

The Shogun is back on the scene and the Shogun is the master.

 

THEATER FIGHTER 1

Why don't you sit down and shut up?

 

SHO'NUFF

What? Why don't I sit down and what?

 

I said, "Why don't you sit down and shut up?"

 

SHO'NUFF

Why don't anybody who wants me to sit down and shut up!

come down here and make me!

Why don't any fifty of you who want me to sit down and shut up...

come down here just for the fun of it!!

 

(A BURLY NATIVE AMERICAN FIGHTER STANDS UP AND THROWS DOWN HIS SODA CUP AS HE STORMS TOWORDS SHO'NUFF TO SHUT HIM UP)

Yeah, come on, fool!

This fool's mine!

 

(SHO'NUFF DODGES THE FIGHTERS FIRST PUCH AND BEGINS TO REPEATEDLY RAM HIS HEAD INTO THE THEATER STAGE)

DRAG QUEEN

Jack him up, baby!

 

(SHO'NUFF CONTINUES TO BANG THE FIGHTER'S HEAD THEN RIPS OUT A PLUG OF HIS HAIR AND BLOWS IT AT HIS DRAG QUEEN PARTNER)

Don't hurt that face, baby!

SHO'NUFF

Yeah!

Leroy, I'm going...  (BEING TAKEN OFF GURAD BY A SNEAK KICK AND GETTING BACK UP ANGRIER)

You'll never use this foot again!

(SHO'NUFF SWEAPS THE FIGHTERS LEG AND SNAPPS HIS FOOT BACK AND FORTH ENDING WITH A VIOLENT ANKLE BITE)

 

Leroy!

I'm gonna get you Leroy...

because I am the Shogun!

I will not rest until everybody knows...

SHOGUN IS THE MASTER!

 

(TO AVOID CONFLICT, LEROY EXITS THE THEATER FROM THE EMERGENCY EXIT)

SHO'NUFF

You wimp!

_________________

ROCK

Still hungry, are we?

I've got a surprise. Dessert!

TV ANNOUNCER

Live from Seventh Heaven,

it's Laura's Video Hotpix...

brought to you by Coca-Cola.

Coke is it.

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Soon that's going to be you, Angie dancing around on that screen,

ain't that right?

Hey, Angie, baby... soon that's going to be you up there, right?

(PULLING HER HEADPHONES OFF )

 

ANGELA VIRACCO

OHHHWW. Yeah!

EDDIE ARKADIAN

That's my girl!

Baby's going to be a star!

 

ROCK

If you'd have put this energy into gettin' me a title fight... .

..maybe I'd have been on my way to Vegas now.

EDDIE ARKADIAN

You lost, Rock, you lost!

Every fight I got you. "The Great White Hopeless" they called you. Remember?

 

ROCK

What do you think they're going to call her?

EDDIE ARKADIAN

A goddess is what they're going to call her. A goddess!

What she'll do to people has never been done before. -

 

ROCK

Make 'em run for cover? -

EDDIE ARKADIAN

That's cute.

 

LAURA CHARLES

And now, for my video hotpick of the week, and it is hot...

I say we rock on with DeBarge. Rhythm of the Night.

ROCK

I don't know why you're going through this.

Give me five minutes, Eddie... ...and this chick'll be begging to play this thing.

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

You got no class, Rock. I know how to handle these show biz types.

You gotta wine 'em, dine 'em,

you let 'em order la carte.

After all, me and this lady, we got a lot in common.

She's the video-rock queen,

but I, Eddie Arkadian, am the video-game king!

 

She's got the audience but I got the vision.

That's a match made in heaven.

 

I thought I told you to get rid of that thing.

 

ROCK

You also told me, "Keep it, it comes in handy." Remember?

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Yeah, I remember! Damn, that thing gives me the creeps.

 

________

(LAURA BACK STAGE AT SEVENTH HEAVEN SET WALKING WITH HER CREW AND J.J. WHILE GETTING READY FOR HER LIVE TELEVISION SHOW.)

J.J.

All we're talking about...

We're just talking about one dinner out of your life.

Come on, at least have dinner with him.

 

LAURA CHARLES

J.J., I would love to help you out... ...but the fact is my show is booked solid for the next four weeks.

So you're just going to have to wait. 

 

HAIR DRESSER

Honey...

Please, we've got a show to do.

 

J.J.

Will you at least look at the videotape? -

 

LAURA CHARLES

J.J., there is no point. -

 

J.J.

Laura, there is a point.

The point of the knife which is at my neck.

He'll slit my throat if you don't do this. Come on, Laura!

 

LAURA CHARLES

What are you talking about?

You in some trouble? 

Who's going to slit your throat? 

 

PRODUCER

Sit down, we've got a show!

J.J.

Laura, this guy plays rough.

 

PRODUCER

Thirty seconds,

 

Laura.

LAURA CHARLES

What guy?

Okay. Tell me J.J., who??

 

J.J.

Eddie Arkadian. 

LAURA CHARLES

Who is Eddie Arkadian?

 

Eddie Arkadian is a heavy dude who wants to have this videotape played in the worst way.

Come on, Laura!

PRODUCER

Fifteen seconds,

J.J.

Laura. Come on.

LAURA CHARLES

Why don't you just call a cop, okay?

My life is not filled with all that craziness.

 

PRODUCER

Five seconds! Tell that Eddie Ark, or whatever his name is, to forget it!

J.J.

Arkadian. Laura! 

 

PRODUCER

One! You're on!

 

LAURA CHARLES (SINGING 7TH HEAVEN SONG)

"I found a place, finally find a place for you and me to go If you want to get in.

Step up in the elevator.

"Press number seven.

That's all you got to do to get to Seventh Heaven

I can't believe what you're gonna see

Once you get inside I know you'll love my ride

You can fool around in my room

And enjoy my golden ride, keep it up

Up and around I'll never let you down

Going up.

I'll keep it up and around will I ever.

Never say never

At Heaven's elevator door

Because once you dare

You can't get it up anymore."

 

LAURA CHARLES

Thank you,

everybody,

and welcome to Seventh Heaven.

I'm glad you made it. I'm glad I made it.

Today my special guests, the tastemakers from the now generation,

with my Cloud Crowd.

EDDIE ARKADIAN

YO J.J. my main man! What's happening?

What?

Nobody turns down an Eddie Arkadian invitation. Nobody.

 

LAURA CHARLES

So come on down and join us because the winner

will get a Seventh Heavenly evening out on the town with me.

What do you think about that?

RICHIE GREEN

How about a kiss?

 

LAURA CHARLES

Who said that? -

 

RICHIE GREEN & RANDOM GUY

I did! - No, I said it!

 

LAURA CHARLES

A kiss... Well, you never know. But here's one for now.

 

RICHIE GREEN

Got it!

 

LAURA CHARLES (SINGING 7TH HEAVEN SONG)

"You found my place

"You finally found my place

Yes, look inside

my love's dancin' all the time

Hop off the elevator

Hell with incinerators

Heaven never burned an angel on a fire

He never burned an angel on a fire

He was full of desire

Oh, no, we don't burn angels on the fire

 

RICHIE GREEN

"That's my babe!

RICHIE'S FRIEND

What are you talkin' about? -

 

RICHIE GREEN

That's my woman up there. 

RICHIE'S FRIEND

Laura?

RICHIE GREEN

She don't know it yet, but she's mine.

Yeah! 

 

________________

(OUTSIDE 7TH HEAVEN LAURA LEAVES FOR THE NIGHT HEADING TO HER RIDE WHEN SHE SPOTS LEORY FOR A MOMENT AS SHE PASSES BY. THEY LOCK EYES FOR A MOMENT.)

RANDOM FANS

Laura, sign here!

I love you,

Laura! We love you,

Laura!

 

LAURA CHARLES

How you doin' tonight, Sal?

 

THUG 1

You just sit back and relax.

Sal got sick.

 

LAURA CHARLES

What are you doing?

THUG 1

The right thing, Ms. Charles, which is what you're gonna do if you got half a brain.

 

LAURA CHARLES

Help! Somebody help me!

 

THUG 1

Put her in the car!

Come on, get her in here.

 

LAURA CHARLES

Help me, somebody!

 

THUG 2

Get in the car, bitch!

 

LEROY

I would not do that if I were you.

 

THUG 2

You little punk!

What are you, crazy?

THUG 3

Huh, tough guy? Come on!

Your mother!

Come on! Come on! Come here!

 

LEROY

Are you all right, miss?

 

LAURA CHARLES

Yeah. I don't know. I guess so. What about you?

Are you okay?

 

LEROY

They did not harm me.

Wow! Your things.

LAURA CHARLES

That's okay,

I can get them.

LEROY

It seems that everything is safe now.

 

Yeah.

LEROY

You sure you are all right?

LAURA CHARLES

Yeah, really. Just a little shaken up,

I think. God, what was that all about?

I don't believe it. You were really something, boy.

I just don't know how to thank you... (car honks horn)

LAURA CHARLES

Did you see where that guy went?

 

CAB DRIVER

Yeah, he's right...

I don't know. You getting in or what?

Come on, honey, let's go.

ANGELA VIRACCO

Where is that deejay lady anyway?

I mean, what's the big deal?

Can't she just meet us there?

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Angela, sweetheart, shut up!

 

ANGELA VIRACCO

But, Eddie, I'm hungry. I want to go!

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

I said shut up! Gee, don't cry.

Listen,

Laura what's-her-face is gonna be here any second.

We don't want our star to look like a little pig peed in her eyes now, do we?

 

Then knock it off!

Don't bug me! Fix your face!

(ROCK CHUCKLES)

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Shut up!

 

As soon as the chick gets here,

we leave, okay? Okay.

 

THUG 1 2 AND 3

Now, boss. - Boss! Boss, don't get mad because it wasn't our fault, all right?

There was nothing we could do.

There were bodyguards.

There must have been 20 or 30 of them!

These big... - Black guys!

Yeah, black guys.

Yeah, with chains!

Chains, clubs, they had everything.

They had pipes, bats, they had everything!

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

All right, all right! So the broad wants to play tough, huh?

All right.

Two of us can play that game.

 

Hey, Rock!

Come here. I got a little job for you.

 

ROCK

The tank?

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Bring her back in one piece, will you?

 

LEROY (STUDENTS REPEAT)

Chinese GoJu is my secret, I bear no arms.

 

May God help me if I ever have to use my art.

 

Conscience is our guide.

 

Peace is our shelter.

 

Beauty and perfection is our life.

 

See the courtesy.

 

Kis-Kay!

 

Break!

 

LEROY

Johnny, what are you doing?

 

JOHNNY YU

Well, you see, Leroy,

you know how you're always teaching us to master the art of fighting without fighting?

Well, I did you one better.

I mastered the art of fighting... without knowing how to fight.

 

JOHNNY YU

You see, people... People are afraid of Oriental dudes.

Give them a little move,

a little scream, and lots of attitude.

 

Check this out. WOOOO HEEEYAAA!!!  (GET'S KICKED IN THE FACE)

 

LEROY

Johnny, to seek safety one must go to the heart of danger.

 

 

SHO'NUFF

The sign outside says this here school is for instructions in the martial arts.

We thought we might get some lessons.

 

BEAST

Yeah, where do we sign up?

SHO LADY 2

How many yen?  

CRUNCH

I'd like to learn some kung fu.

SHO LADY 1

Come on, hot stuff!

SHO'NUFF

Come on, Leroy. Teach me something.

 

LEROY

I do not wish to fight you.

 

SHO'NUFF

Well, who do you "wish" to fight then?

One of them?

Or one of the ladies, maybe?

Yeah, since you're too much of a sissy to fight me maybe they're more your speed.

Get him, girls.

Maybe you can get a rise out of this limp wimp!

 

SHO' LADY 1

You wanna wrestle?

SHO' LADY 2

Hey, little girl. All you've got is this bod and that's it.

 

SHO' LADY 3

I would love to peel this banana.

SHO' LADY 1

Come on, handsome, show us your stuff!

SHO' LADY 3

How about a little kiss on my fist?

CRUNCH

He's too much of a gentleman to hit a lady.

SHO' LADY 1

You look scared to me!

 

SHO'NUFF

Yeah! Come on, Leroy!

Yeah, that's right! Bow, sucker!

BEAST

Yeah! Bow down to your master!

SHO'NUFF

Yeah, coolie, kiss my Converse!

CRUNCH

So sorry. Excuse, please.

BEAST

Bow!

 

Bow!

JOHNNY YU

Enough!

You want to fight?

You fight me, you big ugly, smelly-breathed sucker!

How about you, string bean, Rick-James-lookin' fool?

 

SHO'NUFF

Beast, kill him!

 

CRUNCH

Get him, Beast!

BEAST

Bow down or I'm gonna snap this clown in two!

SHO'NUFF

Yeah, that's right, fool! Kiss 'em!

 

Down!

 

SHO'NUFF

Beast, let him go.

You may not wish to fight me now, sucker!

But you will! I'm gonna see to that!

Sayonara.

 

SHO'NUFF

Who's the master? - Sho'nuff!

Who's the master? - Sho'nuff!

The Shogun of Harlem!

 

BEAST

Yeah!

 

LEROY

Sometimes it is hard to live the way of the wise.

 

RICHIE GREEN

Hey, Reloy!

Yo' papa-san,

he wants you in the kitchen, man!

 

Good morning, Green Sanitarium,

Warden speaking...and I must say our inmates are off to a promising start this morning.

Who's calling?

 

Roy!

 

I can't come now.

I'm being held captive till the coolie, moonie kid comes down from the roof.

He's becoming one with his brain again.

Yeah. All right,

I'll catch you later at the rehearsal.

 

DADDY GREEN

Hey, let me get this straight. The prize in this contest,

you hope to win, is a date?

 

RICHIE GREEN

"Am" gonna win.

And it ain't no thing and the prize ain't no date.

A night with Laura Charles is an event.

 

LEROY

Excuse me.

Mama-san, Papa-san.

Richie-san, Lotus Blossom-san.

 

DADDY GREEN

Now isn't that nice, Sophia?

 

MAMMA GREEN

Pretty chopsticks, Natasha.

 

SOPHIA NATASHA GREEN

Thank you.

RICHIE GREEN

I wish you all would decide on one name for this poor child.

No wonder she's so confused.

 

LEROY

Bless this food. It is to build thy body temple. Spiritualize it.

 

RICHIE GREEN

I'm telling you, Pop,

the boy is off it.

Stupid old clothes, won't mess with no babes.

People talk, you know.

'

MAMA GREEN

Richard, leave your brother alone.

RICHIE GREEN

I can't help it if he's weird.

You're weird, man, really weird.

 

DADDY GREEN

Richie, when I first started my business, people said I was weird.

A black man with a pizza shop.

 

Now there isn't a hungry soul in this town that doesn't know my slogan:

 

"Just direct-a-yo feets-a to Daddy Green's...

 

RICHIE GREEN

"Pizza."

 

DADDY GREEN

Watch yourself, son.

 

LAURA CHARLES

My personal choices for the video hotpix of the week...

 

 

That's my babe, Pop!

That's my date for tonight!

 

LAURA CHARLES

Because it's alive and very, very exciting. -

 

LEROY

That is her! -

 

RICHIE GREEN

You telling me? You better believe that's her!

That's Laura Charles!

 

LAURA CHARLES

So you remember now, every weekday night at 8:00.

 

LEROY

Laura Charles! - I would like to see her!

 

RICHIE GREEN

Well, who wouldn't, fool?

"I would like to see her."

No way the Queen is gonna be looking at no walkin' fortune cookie!

"I would like to see her."

Well, I'll see her today, at rehearsal.

LEROY

You know where she is?

RICHIE GREEN

I know where she's gonna be.

 

LEROY

You must take me to see her!

 

RICHIE GREEN

I ain't taking you nowhere! You might embarrass me.

You're too weird.

 

LEROY

You do not understand. She may have something I need.

RICHIE GREEN

I knew it would happen sooner or later.

You stood on your head so long, you broke it.

Look, let me break it down for you.

You seem to be wanting to broaden, get it, your horizons.

You let a lot of good years roll by without even testing the old equipment.

Now, even you being a disgrace and all, I'd be less than a man if I didn't warn you

that there's an art to making love and you don't even have a paintbrush.

You gotta know the moves, baby. You know, the moves.

 

LEROY

Richie, I am not concerned with moves.

My concern is something else. Else?

RICHIE GREEN

What else is there?

LEROY

Please, I must see her.

 

RICHIE GREEN

I don't see why I'm getting so upset.

Go on, go after a goddess if you want to, but let me tell you something.

The worst thing that can happen to you is that she says "yes."

'Cause ain't no woman like that going to hold still while you figure it out.

Not only do you not know when to do something...

you wouldn't know where to put it if you did! And, Leroy...

it can really hurt if you don't know what you're doing.

 

LEROY

Richie, I must go to this dance contest!

 

RICHIE GREEN

I ain't taking you nowhere and that's final!

 

LEROY

Please!

 

RICHIE GREEN

Kiss my hand.

 

LEROY

Richie, please.

 

RICHIE GREEN

Maybe I'll take you.

if you carry me all the way on your back and rap.

 

LEROY

Rap? Me?

 

LEROY

Yeah! "Smell like"

I think I have it. "Smell like"

I think I have it. "What it is, what it look like,

do it "Yeah, baby "Do it, do it.

What it, what it be like"

 

RICHIE GREEN

Okay! That's it! That's it! That is it, stop! Stop right here.

It's just pitiful.

 

LEROY

Well, give me one more chance!

 

 

RICHIE GREEN

No. It is pitiful. Put me down. Put me down! It's pitiful.

 

LEROY

Richie, where are you going?

Are you not going to buy tickets?

 

RICHIE GREEN

Of course, I'm gonna buy a ticket!

I never buy tickets, you shrimp-fried-rice head, you.

Man, if anyone asks you, you ain't my brother, okay?

 

LEROY

What?

 

RICHIE GREEN

You ain't my brother, that's all!

Now, come on!

Come on, move it!

 

See man,

messing around with you, now my boys don't even know I'm here.

 

LEROY

You're not trying to enter without paying, are you?

 

RICHIE GREEN

Chill out, chopsticks.

Let me handle this.

There must be another door.

I'll be back. Just stay right here and don't move.

 

And if anyone asks, remember...

 

LEROY

I know, I ain't your brother.

LAURA CHARLES

Why wasn't this sound check done sooner?

ROCK

I don't know.

I only do what I'm told.

You know, we try for perfection.

 

LAURA CHARLES

Help! Help!

 

ANGELA VIRACCO (SONG LYRICS)

"I found a picture 

"Inside your suitcase

"I don't know what it means

"I didn't recognize her face

"Mail order catalogues

"Underneath your mattress

"Polaroids do suggest "She is not an actress

"Why is this friendly group all jumping through a hoop? 

"Dirty books - I found 'em, I found 'em

"Now that I have seen it all

"You want me to participate

"You dress me up in peek-a-boos "Body oil and roller skates

"Dirty books - I found 'em, I found 'em

"And to think I found them in your suitcase

"I found 'em, I found 'em"

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Don't you love it?

Look, doll, did I do you a favor or did I do you a favor?

So you're going to play my video?

LAURA CHARLES

No!

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Maybe you didn't hear it right...

so I'm going to ask you one more time.

 

Are you going to put my video on your show or aren't you?

 

LAURA CHARLES

I'm going to tell you one more time.

The answer is "no."

It's not that I don't like it.

It's just that it's not the right...

 

ANGELA VIRACCO

Right! Right time of the night to look at it.

That's what she was going to say, wasn't it, honey?

Eddie, she's just tired.

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Tired? She's going to be dead tired if she's not careful.

Okay, I tried to be a gentleman about this!

I was going to take you out to a fancy restaurant.

Let you order la carte!

All I wanted you to do was to put my video on your show,

and now you say "no."

Okay,

that's it.

No more Mr. Nice Guy.

Rock, let's go.

ANGELA VIRACCO

Eddie, you're not gonna do what I think you are?

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Who's going to stop me?  (DOOR BURST OPEN)

Who is this guy?

We didn't order out. Get him the hell out of here!

Get him outta here now!

 

Who is this guy?

Get in there! Break his face, will you?

 

What are you guys waiting for? Get going!

 

Are you on vacation? Move it!

Get in there! Get going!

LEROY

I'm sorry, Miss...

 

ANGELA VIRACCO

Angela. Angela Viracco.

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Bums!

 

LEROY

I do not think Miss Charles enjoys your company.

It would be best that you leave her alone!

EDDIE ARKADIAN

I don't know who you are, pal,

but you're in a lot of trouble!

 

LEROY

Hothead needs cool water.

EDDIE ARKADIAN

No, no, no! No,

ANGELA VIRACCO

not the tank!  No! Eddie!

EDDIE ARKADIAN

SHIT SHIT! (GASP)

 

LEROY

Come, you will be safe now. 

ANGELA VIRACCO

Eddie, are you all right?

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Get away from me, you dumb broad!

 

ANGELA VIRACCO

But Eddie, you're all wet!

Honey!

Look at this, it's all wet.

You're all wet.

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Rock, get this damn thing out of here.

That son of a bitch is history.

 

LAURA CHARLES

God, I can't believe this! This is enough to drive you crazy.

You do this kind of thing everyday?

You are too much! Who are you?

 

LEROY

I am Leroy. Leroy Green.

LAURA CHARLES

It's nice to meet you.

 

I need a drink.

Why don't you come inside.

LEROY

Miss Charles,

there is something you may be able to help me with.

LAURA CHARLES

You can call me Laura.

 

LEROY

Laura, the other night I lost a medallion and...

 

LAURA CHARLES

That thing that looks like a belt buckle?

LEROY

Belt buckle?

LAURA CHARLES

Is it gold?

LEROY

You have it?

 

LAURA CHARLES

Yeah, I got it.

Why don't you sit down?

I'll go get it for you.

LEROY

That is wonderful!

 

LAURA CHARLES

Just promise that you won't vanish as soon as I give it back to you.

LAURA CHARLES

This is so you'll never lose it again.

LEROY

I am deeply in your debt.

It is very valuable to me.

LAURA CHARLES

I know what it's like to lose precious things

and then, of course, to find them again.

You thirsty?

 

LEROY

From the clock's chime to the cock's crow is but an instant.

I must go.

Excuse me.

(STUMBLES INTO A COFFEE TABLE LEAVING)

I'm sorry.

 

LAURA CHARLES

Cock's crow?

 

______

HU YI - LU YI - DU YI   (LIP SINGING)

"Suki yaki hot saki Sue "Suki yaki hot saki Sue

"You saki to me, I saki to you

"Suki yaki hot saki Sue You saki to me, I saki to you

"Hot like saki wine Here she stands "Smooth and fine,

looking good

"And she knows what she's after

"Watch out for that hook!

"She baits the line and starts to move in closer

"He takes a step away

"Watch the hook She's never missed her target

"Now she can say

"With your bad self, I saki to you!

"And I can say, OW good times HUH! 

"You saki to me, I saki to you

"Suki yaki hot saki Sue"

HU YI

All right! What you lookin' for?

LU YI

What you lookin' for?

LEROY

I am looking for the Master.

 

DU YI

Ain't no masters here, dude.

Ain't no slaves either!

 

LEROY

Is this not his fortune cookie factory?

 

LU YI

The Master, he doin' his wisdom thing.

 

LEROY

I seek only wisdom of the Master.

 

DU YI

You want wisdom, you buy fortune cookie.

 

LU YI

Take a hike, cool breeze.

DU YI

Yeah, baby.

LEROY

Please, I must see the Master. It is very important to me.

 

LU YI

Look here, chump.

The Master don't see nobody,

especially no jive coolies!

 

DU YI

Yeah, he don't see no one who don't know how to get down, baby!

You dig, bro? You too square, man!

LU YI

Square, dude!

HU YI

Let me say it so he can understand it, Jim.

You go now!

Chop-chop!

Haulee ass outta this place!

Am I sayin' it right, my man?

 

LU YI

Like, hasta la pasta, you know?

 

HU YI

Buenas noches.

 

DU YI

Auf Wiedersehen, baby.

 

HU YI

Hasta lumbago! 

LU YI

Catch you on the flip-flop!

 

HU YI

Sayonara!

 

______________

SHO'NUFF

I was told I could find Leroy Green here.

 

DADDY GREEN

I'm Leroy Green. Who are you?

SHO'NUFF

Who am I? (Sho'nuff!)

 

I am the Shogun of Harlem.

and the Leroy Green I'm lookin' for is a little punk that thinks he's a kung fu master.

 

DADDY GREEN

You mean Junior?

 

SHO'NUFF

Yeah. "Junior."

Where is he?

 

DADDY GREEN

Don't know.

I'm not sure I'd tell you if I did!

 

SHO'NUFF

Not sure you'd tell me if you did?

 

DADDY GREEN

Wait a minute!

MAMA GREEN

Leave him alone!

 

DADDY GREEN

Please, Momma, wait a minute!

Wait a minute, please.

I'll take care of it.

 

SHO'NUFF

Well, how about I leave him a little message, then?

Tell him when I found out he wasn't here...I was all broken up!

DADDY GREEN

My God, my table! What are you doing?

SHO'NUFF

Crunch, Beast, Cyclone!

Do it!

CRUNCH

With pleasure.

MAMA GREEN

Nooooooo!

 

DADDY GREEN

Hold it, please fellas!

comon' please not like that!

No! Don't beak up my walls! It's my shop!

oh! my God!

MAMA GREEN

Ahhh Noo!, (FLINGING DOUGH BALLS CRYING)

 

DADDY GREEN

No Don't break the table!

BEAST

I'm gonna kill you, Haaa!

DADDY GREEN

Take it easy, honey!

Take it easy!

CRUNCH

What, are you crazy? He's the Beast!

She only hit you with dough man!

BEAST

You gonna die!

 

RICHIE GREEN

All right, enough is enough! You all better chill out. 

DADDY GREEN

Richie, you stay out of this!

RICHIE GREEN

You better chill out, man!

I said chill out!

 

DADDY GREEN

All right, take it easy!

SHO'NUFF

Who plays this garbage?

Shut up, bitch!

DADDY GREEN

That's not even mine!

I don't own that!

SHO'NUFF

Tell that chicken-hearted son of yours to name the place.

Cause now he's got to fight me.

BEAST

Yeah.

CRUNCH

Can I kick?

 

DADDY GREEN (PULLING RICHIE OUT OF GARBAGE CAN)

Come on. I got you.

 

MAMA GREEN

Look at him! Oh, boy.

Sit down.

RICHIE'S FRIEND

You all right, Rich?

DADDY GREEN

You all right now?

Look at this!

 

LEROY

What happened?

 

RICHIE GREEN

Sho'nuff happened,

that's what!

It's all 'cause of you!

Everyone knows you're scared of him.

You kissed his shoes and everything.

What good is that kung fu jive if you can't even use it?

Coward!

 

Why don't you go someplace and meditate on that?

Coward!

 

LEROY

Chinese GoJu is my secret!

May God help me if I ever have to use my art!

Love is our law!

Truth is our worship!

Form is our manifestation!

Conscience is our guide!

Peace is our shelter.

Peace is my shelter.

Peace is...

 

LAURA CHARLES

Hello?

Hey!

I don't mean to bother you but...

maybe I should just come back another time,

 

LEROY

huh?

LAURA CHARLES

Listen, if this is a bad time, you know, I can just...

You know, the strangest things keep happening to me.

I mean, I seem to be attracting the craziest people.

So, I thought that maybe it would be a great idea...

if I got myself a bodyguard, you know? Like, someone to guard my body.

Anyway, you seem to be the best qualified.

I mean...a girl could do worse than to have her own...real, live kung fu master.

LEROY

I am no master.

LAURA CHARLES

You sure look like a master to me.

How about it?

LEROY

How about what?

LAURA CHARLES

Body-guard. - Hello?

LEROY

Bodyguard?

LAURA CHARLES

Yeah, I want you to be my bodyguard.

Have you listened to a thing I've said?

 

LEROY

There is much I must do.

I am sorry. I cannot.

 

JOHNNY YU

Leroy!

Leroy!

Excuse me!

LAURA CHARLES

That's okay.

JOHNNY YU

Say...you're Laura Charles!

Forget it.

I will go.

Don't...

 

LAURA CHARLES

That's okay.

JOHNNY YU

I don't want to bother you.

LAURA CHARLES

It's okay, I was just leaving.

JOHNNY YU

Leaving?

LAURA CHARLES

Please, just give it some thought, okay?

JOHNNY YU

Wow! Laura Charles!

LAURA CHARLES

Just let me know if you change your mind.

LEROY

I said I cannot help you.

JOHNNY YU

He can't help you?

Of course he can help you! Look at that, he's just hot! He's sick.

The boy's... All that yoga.

Hi, my name is Johnny Yu.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

 

LAURA CHARLES

Hi, Johnny, it's nice to meet you.

 

JOHNNY YU

She said it was nice to meet me!

Laura Charles said it was nice to meet me!

She said it was nice! She... Yeah.

____________

ROCK

This is your resume?

HEADLINE KILLER

I like the cropping on that picture.

 

ROCK

You did "the incinerator murder"?

 

HEADLINE KILLER

Yeah, I trashed the little lady.

(A burley street fighter named THE DOG strolls over to Rocks audition table and throws him a balled up note.)

 

ROCK

Double?

Why do you think you should get double what everybody else is getting, huh?

THE DOG

Haaaaagrrrrrr!!!!

(THE DOG breaks the wooden table with his head.)

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Beautiful! Save it!

Give that man anything he wants!

Give him a bone.

Make sure you take out for the table, huh?

 

_____________

ANGELA VIRACCO - (SINGING)

"You look at me like a new pickup

You tell the barman, 'Fill her up'

You try to steer me out the door

But I know what you're cruising for

You want a test drive

You want a free ride down

Lovers' Lane tonight"


EDDIE ARKADIAN

All right, that's enough! -

Looks terrific, sweetheart. -

 

ANGELA VIRACCO

Yeah?

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Just needs a couple more steps, okay?

And you girls looked great, too.

Listen, why don't you take a break and get outta those clothes?

Here are some quarters.

Go have a good time.

I'll talk to you, girls.  Go, go!

 

ANGELA VIRACCO

Bye, girls!

ANGELA'S GIRLS

Bye, baby.

Ciao, Angie, baby.

ANGELA VIRACCO

You know, to tell you the truth, Eddie.

I'm really getting tired of all this.

I mean that deejay lady, she's never gonna play our stuff, anyway.

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

She'll see the light

as soon as I get that Leroy character out of the way.

 

ANGELA VIRACCO

What do you mean "out of the way"?

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Sweetheart, you should see the talent I got lined up out there.

If this deejay broad don't wise up, she's gonna be dessert.

 

It's all for you, sweetheart.

All to make you a star.

Now what do you think of your lover-boy?

 

ANGELA VIRACCO

All for me?

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

All for you, sweetheart.

ANGELA VIRACCO

Well, I mean, if it's really all for me...

I don't want you to kill anybody.

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Are you out of your mind?

Nobody does what he did to me and lives! Nobody!

ANGELA VIRACCO

You know what I've been thinking, Eddie?

I've been thinking that maybe you're trying to use me to get what you want.

I mean, just like you tried to use Rock.

 

Yeah, you were gonna make him this big heavyweight champion.

Sure, until he lost a fight. All this glamour and stardom...

t's all for you, isn't it, Eddie?

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

You know, Angie...

a lot of girls out there would like to trade places with you.

If you're unhappy with all of this...why don't you just walk out?

Go have a nice, normal, boring life.

 

ANGELA VIRACCO

To tell you the truth, Eddie, it couldn't be anymore boring than hanging around with this gook in my hair while you guys go play cops and robbers.

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Where are you gonna go, Angie?

Without me, you're nothing!

Without that outfit, you're just another no-talent,

dental school dropout from Kew Gardens gettin' by on her tits!

ANGELA VIRACCO

In the end, Eddie, you know what?

You're nothing but a misguided, midget asshole with dreams of ruling the world!

Yeah, also from Kew Gardens.

And also getting by on my tits.

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Where do you think you're going?

ANGELA VIRACCO

To elocution class!

EDDIE ARKADIAN

What for?

 

____________

 

SHO'NUFF

Did you see that?

Sho'nuff is the master!

CRUNCH

Number one!

ROCK

Can I pick 'em or what?

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Shut up!

 

SHO'NUFF

Am I the meanest? Sho'nuff!

 

Am I the prettiest? Sho'nuff!

 

Am I the baddest mo-fo lowdown around this town? Sho'nuff!

I can't hear you! Sho'nuff!

Yeah!

 

SHO'NUFF

Keep your money.

You just get that sucker to the designated place.

at the designated time

and I will gladly designate his ass for dismemberment!

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Yeah! Hey! Well, whatever!

Anyway you want to do it.

It'll certainly be my pleasure, Mr. Nuff.

Put it away.

 

Come on.

 

____________

LAURA CHARLES

Looking for me?

 

LEROY

Yes. I mean...

 

LAURA CHARLES

 thought I wasn't exactly on your favorite persons' list.

 

LEROY

That is why I came by,

to apologize for the way I spoke.

I did not mean it towards you.

 

LAURA CHARLES

Great. Then you'll be my bodyguard?

LEROY

I'd love to, but I must complete a mission first.

 

LAURA CHARLES

A mission?

 

LEROY

You see, I am in search of the final level where the spirit takes over from the mind

and guides the body without thought.

 

LAURA CHARLES

Okay. Listen, you stay right here, okay?

Don't move.

I'll be back in five minutes.

Don't disappear, okay?

I'll be right back.

LEROY

A great fighter, for instance might be able to get just his hands to fill with such power that they would get the glow,

which could be deadly if it fell into evil hands.

Yet, if these hands belonged to a master...

LAURA CHARLES

Like Bruce Lee.

 

LEROY

Yes, exactly!

Someone who has reached the final level and could make his whole body glow the beauty he would be able to create would be without bounds.

Imagine the wonder someone like this can bring to the world!

LAURA CHARLES

That's a beautiful dream, Leroy.

Now I know you're gonna love what I've got to show you at the studio.

 

What's wrong?

Calling Leroy.

LEROY

I am sorry, but it's just...

 

LAURA CHARLES

What? Tell me. Come on.

 

LEROY

You see, I have this friend.

 

LAURA CHARLES

Yeah?

 

LEROY

He is very shy. He came to me for advice.

And I... ...well... It is something I thought you can help me with, him with.

 

LAURA CHARLES

Okay, I'll try.

Tell me about it. What is it?

LEROY

Moves.

 

LAURA CHARLES

Moves?

 

LEROY

You see my friend,

he has never been...

He likes this girl.

 

LAURA CHARLES

Yeah?

LEROY

He has never been with a woman before.

He does not even have a paintbrush.

 

LAURA CHARLES

Paintbrush?

 

LEROY

He cannot even draw.

 

LAURA CHARLES

Draw? What are you talking about?

 

LEROY

You know. The art of making love.  Moves.

 

LAURA CHARLES

Of course. - I would love to show you some moves.

 

LEROY

No! It's not for me. I said it was for my friend.

He is the one.

 

LAURA CHARLES

Okay, anything you say.

 

LEROY

Is it not kind of hot in here, Miss Charles?

 

__________

 


RICHIE GREEN

I'm telling you,

I don't need a contest to win this date 'cause I got juice!

RICHIE FRIEND 2

Why don't you just give up?

Your delusions of grandeur about love with her is nothin' but a wet dream.

RICHIE GREEN

Don't be no fool, Jack.

The Baron Von Rick's got a more direct route to the target.

 

RICHIE FRIEND 1

Watch out the target don't shoot you down.

 

RICHIE FRIEND 2

Why don't you write her a letter?

RICHIE FRIEND 1

Or make an obscene phone call?

RICHIE FRIEND 2

Cause that's as close as you're gonna get.

RICHIE GREEN

You two play a game if you want to.

I'm gonna sit right here and wait for her to show up.

And the rap I'm gonna lay on her is gonna make Romeo seem tongue-tied.

Make her melt like hot butter all over my body!

 

RICHIE FRIEND 2

Go, Rick!

 

RICHIE GREEN

And this time ain't nothin' gonna stand between me and my destiny with the sweet lips of Lady Laura!

 

LEROY

Wow!

This place is great!

Fists of Fury!

_____________

RICHIE FRIEND 2

That's it, man. Enough is enough.

I'm gonna go.

 

RICHIE FRIEND 1

Wait a minute!

Something's going on in here.

RICHIE FRIEND 2

You think it's her?

 

RICHIE GREEN

There's only one way to find out. Come on!

 

RICHIE FRIEND 2

What? Where are we going?

 

RICHIE FRIEND 2

Shit!

RICHIE GREEN

Forget it, man.

RICHIE FRIEND 2

Wait up, man!

 

 

_____________


LEROY

This is great!

 

RICHIE GREEN

Man, I ought to slap that sucker silly with a suit for alienation of affections!

If it wasn't for me, he wouldn't even know where she was!

Chocolate-covered yellow peril!

 

RICHIE FRIEND 2

Chill out, man!

RICHIE FRIEND 2

Wait for me, will you?

 

RICHIE GREEN

Come on, man,

RICHIE FRIEND 2

wait for me!

 

RICHIE GREEN

That sucker better start sleeping with his inscrutable eyes open

cause there's gonna be a serious case of chopsockie justice coming his way!

 

RICHIE FRIEND 2

Maybe you just don't understand him. I mean, if the lady likes him,

he must be doing something right.

 

RICHIE GREEN

Leroy? He wouldn't even know what to do with that!

RICHIE FRIEND 1

Looked like he was doing all right to me.

 

LAURA CHARLES

What's that?

 

LEROY

Chinese Connection.

He has disguised himself in order to...

get into the villains' lair!

Why did I not think of that before?

I must go.

 

LAURA CHARLES

Thanks a lot, Bruce!

RICHIE FRIEND 2

Where are you going?

RICHIE GREEN

Back to claim what's mine!

 

LAURA CHARLES

Leroy?

 

________

RICHIE GREEN

Ran out on you, huh?

Don't cover up for that Ping-Pong playing chow mein for brains, kung fu head!

 

LAURA CHARLES

What are you doing up there? You come down here before you hurt yourself!

Now!

 

RICHIE GREEN

I don't understand what you see in him!

 

LAURA CHARLES

Leroy?

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

We meet again, Miss Charles.

 

LAURA CHARLES

Let me go!

 

RICHIE GREEN

Get your hands off my woman!

I said get your hands off my woman!

 

LAURA CHARLES

Let me go, you big baboon!

 

_______

DU YI

All right! Little Joe, man!

You pay up, bro!

LU YI

This is craps, man! You pay me!

DU YI

You blind, man? This book says "Little Joe"!

You pay up, blood!

LU YI

You can't even read the book, blood!

 

_____

LEROY

Hey, my man. What it look like?

Hey, my man, what it look like?

Hey, my man, what it look like?

Hey, my man. - What it look like?

HU YI

What you want?

LEROY

I am the soul brother like no other to deliver this pizza with bean sprouts.

 

LU YI

Pizza with bean sprouts?

 

LEROY

Well, yeah, we make anything, dig?

Just direct-a-yo feets-a to Daddy Green's pizza.

 

Now if you bloods would show me where I can find the Master...

 

LU YI

You sure the Master ordered this pizza?

 

LEROY

The man himself.

You're going to release his beast if it gets cold out here.

 

LU YI

I don't know what you're up to, but I'm gonna rip your face off.

 

DU YI

No, wait! It's okay.

DU YI

You the same fool that came dressed as a coolie?

LEROY

No, we all just look alike. My man.

DU YI

Brother.

 

DU YI

Yo, bro! My man, the Master, he split, you know.

 

LEROY

Split?

DU YI

He's not here. So why don't you chill out with us?

Smoke a little herb.

Sip a little wine.

 

LEROY

No, I had too much already.

DU YI

Soul brother! - Soul brother!

DU YI

All right! You know how to shoot craps?

LEROY

Craps?

LU YI

Craps! 

 

LEROY

Yeah, craps.

 

DU YI LU YI

All right! Right on!

 

___________


ANGELA VIRACCO

Mr. Leroy?

Are you in here?

 

JOHNNY YU

Heeeyaah!.. (JUMPING OUT TO STARTLE ANGELA)

oh Sorry, miss,

I didn't mean to scare you that bad.

 

ANGELA VIRACCO

That's all right. Is a Mr. Leroy here?

 

JOHNNY YU

No, he's not here,

but how about something in a medium sized Oriental?

 

ANGELA VIRACCO

No, thanks. I'm not Jewish.

Is this where he does all that stuff?

 

JOHNNY YU

Yeah, I do it, too.

 

ANGELA VIRACCO

That's really wonderful!

 

JOHNNY YU

Yep!

 

ANGELA VIRACCO

Well, you see, I'm on my way back to Kew Gardens.

You gotta tell Mr. Leroy that  better stay away from Seventh Heaven.

JOHNNY YU

Why?

ANGELA VIRACCO

Because of my "former" producer, associate and boyfriend,

Eddie Arkadian.

He's gone crazy.

 

__________

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Tonight's show is conceived written, produced, directed and starring Eddie Arkadian!

 

Tonight, we make show biz history…

my way!

I'm getting funky to the smooth cool sounds of Fast Eddie A!

(CUEING MUSIC AT SEVETH HEAVEN CONTROLS)

Who is she? (PLAYING THE SONG FIRE ON 7TH HEAVEN PA SYSTEM)

ROCK

Charlene.

EDDIE ARKADIAN

She got a manager?

ROCK

I don't know.

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Fire!

________________

HU YI

This is sure one strange game of craps, soul brother!

LU YI

Yeah!

LEROY

This is how we play in Harlem.

You want to play like soul brother number one?

HU YI

Yeah!

DU YI

Yeah! Right!

LEROY

You play like this.

LU YI

All right, I'm sorry.

LEROY

Now, it is your turn.

Do not step on the line.

HU YI

Right! My man. Right on! Two, three, five.

 

DU YI

Turkey! Shit! You turkey!

I collect this whole pot, baby!

LEROY

What time is it? Where is the Master?

LU YI

Master? Looks like my man forgot about his pizza.

LEROY

I must see him now.

HU YI

No, no! The wise one never sees nobody.

LEROY

He will see me. - I have this. (showing the golden belt buckle)

HU YI - LU YI - HU YI (CHATTER)

What you got?

Check this out!

It's nice, huh?

Yeah, I like that. Okay, here, come with me.

LEROY

I will see him now?

HU YI

Yeah, come on.

Just wait here. (AS HE LOCKS LEROY OUT IN THE ALLEY)

(LEROY KICKS THE LOCKED DOOR OPEN)

LEROY

Where is the Master?

I want to see him now!

HU YI

Please!

There is no master!

LEROY

You lie!

HU YI

No, it's true!

We made him up to sell more fortune cookies!

DU YI

Tell him!

It's true!

HU YI

Please!

DU YI

Show him!

HU YI

I'll show you!

Over here! I'll show you!

DU YI

Yeah, show him!

Show him!

HU YI

This is Sum Dum Goy.

_____________

 

 

LEROY

Why?

Why, Master?

Why have you sent me on a journey to find someone who does not exist?

Why?

MASTER

So, you have not found the master that you seek.

LEROY

There is no Sum Dum Goy. He is a... computer.

Why have you done this to me?

MASTER 

Here. It contains everything you need to find your way to the golden glow.

(HANDING HIM AN EMPTY FORTUNE COOKIE)

Think, Leroy!

You have just opened a fortune cookie without a fortune written by a master

who does not exist,

to find the solution to a problem whose answer you already know.

LEROY

And this?

MASTER

You needed a charm.

A true master would use this to hold up his pants.

Enough.

There is one place that you have not yet looked.

It is there, only there that you shall find the master.

Now, if you will excuse me,

my plane leaves shortly.

LEROY

You are going on a quest for knowledge?

MASTER

No, I'm going to visit my mother in Miami.

_________

JOHNNY YU

Leroy! Are you actually gonna fight them?

Well, you can't be serious!

Leroy, I never would've told you if I thought you'd actually go there!

What are you, nuts?

You're not going all alone, are you? Are you?

All right then. Then I'm going with you.

If you go, I go!

LEROY

Okay.

JOHNNY YU

Okay?

LEROY

Do you plan to fight with only your bare hands?

Do you not need a weapon?

JOHNNY YU

Weapon, right!

(JOHNNY STEPS INTO THE WEAPONS CLOSET AND LEROY LOCKS HIM INSIDE)

What are you doing?

This isn't funny,

Leroy!

LEROY

Johnny, I am sorry.

I must do this alone.

JOHNNY YU

Leroy, come back here!

Leroy! I'm afraid of the dark!

Leroy!

_______________

(Eddie spots Leroy sneaking around backstage on the security camera)

LAURA CHARLES

Leero....

EDDIE ARKADIAN 

Gag her!

ROCK

Right, boss.

_________________

JOHNNY YU

Come on! The key.

TAI

Wait.

JOHNNY YU

Put the key in the latch and turn it!  

TAI

Okay, I'm trying!

JOHNNY YU

Well, try harder!

TAI

Okay! Okay, you can come out now!

JOHNNY YU

Come on, let's go!

TAI

Where are we going?

We already missed the second show.

JOHNNY YU

Would you just come on?

 

TAI

Okay!

 

_________________

 

(LEROY SNEAKS ACROSS THE STAGE

AND IS STARTED BY EDDIE'S HUGE FACE PROJECTED ON THE STAGE SCREENS)

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Welcome to my little party in your honor, Leroy.

The guest list has been compiled so that you go out in style.

You don't mind if my friends introduce themselves, do you, Leroy?

Then let the games begin!

(VILLAINS SURROUND LEROY TO ATTACK HIM AS THE BEGIN TO BRAWL)

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Bravo, Leroy!

ROCK

Ol! I'm gonna whack this guy out and get it over with now!

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Give me that thing!

For God's sake, take that off!

I said take it off!

You've got to ruin everything!

The time, money, the energy I've spent!

Get it off!

Get the broad!

Attaboy, Leroy!

You're a bunch of wussies, you know that?

More volume!

All right!  Way to go, Goliath!

Go, Geronimo!

Give him a lick!

TAI

Go, Johnny!

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Come on! Will you make it interesting?

Good!

That's one for you!

TAI

Johnny! Are you all right?

JOHNNY YU

Oh Shit!

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Come on, you old bum!

TAI

Johnny! (DUCKING BEHIND CRUNCH AS JOHNNY JUMP KICKS HIM)

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Come on, you miserable slob!

God, what a slug!

LEROY

You got it, Johnny!

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Move out. Come on, Plan B.

Let's go!  Move out!

Let's get the hell out of here!

Come on, will you?

ROCK

Okay,

EDDIE ARKADIAN

move! Come on. This way!

Hey, Leroy! That was almost worth the price of admission in there!

And to think, the featured act is yet to come!

Come on, hahahahahahaha!

LAURA CHARLES

Leroy!

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Bozo, you go that way! (pushing rock in the other direction to split up)

Just go! Come on!

(LEROY THROWS A DART AT EDDIE’S HEAD)

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Holy shit!

LEROY

Let her go, or next time I will not miss.

EDDIE ARKADIAN

(SHOOTING BACK)

Next time, I won't miss either!

ROCK

Got you now, you little punk!

 

RICHIE GREEN

You'll never use that again! ( AFTER KICKING ROCK IN THE NUTTS TWICE)

RICHIE GREEN

Let me go!

 

LEROY

Let him go!

BEAST

Anything you say!

RICHIE GREEN

Let me at him!

Let me at him!

I'll save you, Laura!

LEROY

Are you all right?

RICHIE GREEN

Of course I'm all right.

I've got to save Laura.

LEROY

You are not going anywhere.

RICHIE GREEN

Leroy, I wanna help!

LEROY

No!

RICHIE GREEN

I've got to save Laura!

LEROY

You will be safe here.

RICHIE GREEN

Leroy,

I've got to save Laura!

I was doing all right 'til the guy got to drop on me!

Leroy!

Come on, man!

__________

SHO'NUFF

You warmed up yet?

 

SHO'NUFF

Yeah! Come on, Leroy,

RICHIE GREEN

let me out!

Be careful.

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

There's nothing like this on stage, screen, radio, TV, or cable, baby!

This is an exclusive!

RICHIE GREEN

Get him!

Come on, hit him.

There,

SHO'NUFF

nigga, please!

RICHIE GREEN

Duck, Leroy! You can't do that to my brother!

Get him, Leroy!

That's the way!

Get him, Leroy!

SHO'NUFF

All right, come on.

SHO'NUFF

Stings a little, don't it?

Come on, Leroy.

You can run, but you can't hide.

SHO'NUFF

Playtime's over, boy.

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Ain't this beautiful? I love it! This is theater!

SHO'NUFF

Now... ...when I say: Who's the master? You say: Sho'nuff.

Who's the master?

EDDIE ARKADIAN

We need a better view.

Come on, ringside seats!

SHO'NUFF

Now, I'm gonna ask you one more time.

Who is the master?

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Wait a minute, sweetheart! I love you.

Just stay here.

SHO'NUFF

Who is the master?

I can't hear you, Leroy!

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Drown him, for Christ's sake!

Will you drown him?

SHO'NUFF

Who is the master?

I said, who's the master?

I can't hear you!

Who is the master?

MASTER

There is one place that you have not yet looked.

It is there, only there.that you shall find the master.

LAURA CHARLES

You sure look like a master to me.

SHO'NUFF

All right, Leroy, who's the one and only master?

LEROY

I am.

I am! (CATCHING SHO'NUFF'S FIST IN HIS HAND AND STARTS  RIPS TIGHTLY.)

SHO'NUFF

HAAAAA! What the... Shit! Goddamn!

Let me go, motherfucker! Let me go!

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Holy shit!

Okay, come on!

I applaud you, Leroy!

That's a great finish.

Not the ending I had in mind, but it's a great finish.

You see, a.45 will put an end to all this kung fu crap.

All it takes is one little bullet.

So, take your final bows, scum sucker!

RICHIE GREEN

Leroy!

EDDIE ARKADIAN

No, no!

RICHIE GREEN

Go, Leroy!

Drown him, Leroy!

Get him! Drown that sucker!

EDDIE ARKADIAN

What?

Oh, God, no!

 

RICHIE GREEN

All right!

 

EDDIE ARKADIAN

No, wait! Jesus! No, listen! I've never seen anything like that!

I mean anything!

No, wait!

I'll tell you what, let's make a deal!

We could make money!

You get foreign rights l'll take domestic!

What do you say?

Wait!

You can have both, foreign and domestic!

Just give me a finder's fee!

Okay, all right, no finder's fee.

You can have the whole thing!

COP

Let me pass!

PRODUCER

We've got a television show to do! Excuse me.

Laura, where have you been?

We've been looking all over for you.

HAIR DRESSER

You're late. How can I have her ready on time?

Look at you. You're a mess!

I didn't bring the right tools with me.

LAURA CHARLES

Richie! Where'd he go?

(SHE SAYS WHILE LOOKING AROUND FOR LEROY)

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Where have you guys been? Listen,

Officer, I'd like to report a mugging.

My friend and I, Mr. Nuff,

we were just minding our own business when we were assaulted by these hoodlums!

We're lucky to be alive!

COP

Save it, Arkadian! You're going up for good this time!

EDDIE ARKADIAN

Never!

PRODUCER

Come on, Laura, you're due in the studio.

Let's go.

_______________________________

(INSIDE 7THY HEAVEN WE SEE LAURA SADLY WATCHING THE AN THE WOLE DANCE CREW AND LEROYS STUDENTS FAMILY AND FRIENS ALL TOGETHER CELEBRATING. LEROY WALKS IN LATER AND SURPRISES LAURA WITH A BOUQUET OF FLOWERS. HE APPROACHES THE DJ BOOTH AND YELLS TO LAURA JUST AS THE MUSIC STOPS TO EXPOSE HIS WORDS.)

Ready for commercial.

LEROY

Would you teach me some moves?

RICHIE'S FRIEND 1

Man, check out the cornball!

RICHIE GREEN

He ain't no cornball!

He's my brother and he's the Master!

(LAURAH RUSHES INTO HER HERO'S ARMS AS THEY ARE ELEVATED THROUGH THE CELING OF THE 7TH HEAVEN STAGE AS THE CROWD CHEERS .)

_THE END

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